Fiddledeedee

This is a collection of some of my favorite Halloween riddles. As found on the world wide web.

Because I’m juvenile.

•Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have any guts.

•What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap!

•What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula.

•What do you call someone who puts poison in another’s corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

•Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth, they’d be M&M’s.

•What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.

•What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash.

•What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay.

•Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the Dead Sea.

•Where does Dracula water ski?
On Lake Erie.

•What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?
Pumpkin pi.

•Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.

•Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts.

•What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

And now, a mid-week recipe.

PUMPKIN CAKE

2 C. Flour
2 C. Sugar
1 tsp. Salt
2 tsp. Baking Soda
3 tsp. Cinnamon
1 1/2 C. Canola Oil
1 Small Can Pumpkin
4 Eggs, beaten

Icing
1 Stick Soft Butter or Margarine
3 oz. Cream Cheese, Softened
1/2 Box Powdered Sugar
1 t. Vanilla
1 1/2 C. Finely Chopped Pecans (or Walnuts)

Directions:
Mix all together. Bake in well greased and floured Bundt or tube pan. Bake 1 hour in a 350 degree oven.

Beat butter and cream cheese till well mixed; then blend in vanilla and powdered sugar, a little at a time until fluffy. Fold in nuts. Ice cake after it has completely cooled. Keep refrigerated.

This will go nicely with all the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups that you confiscate from any hapless trick-or-treaters that you may or may not be related to.

I’m just sayin’.

I have long held onto the belief that in order to homeschool my children, I need only stay one day smarter than they are. I am living up to my own expectations. My oldest child is in the 2nd grade.

So far, so good.

Friday night, after the kids had gone off to bed, Fiddledaddy and I cuddled up in his tiny office to watch a little TV on his computer monitor. We can visit whatever major station dot com and enjoy a program of our choosing, with limited commercial interruption. It was almost like a movie date. From what I can remember. Since the last movie we saw in the theatre was, I believe, “Titanic.”

Don’t cry for me Argentina.

Since we voluntarily gave up cable, and our favorite shows such as 24, Lost, and Jericho don’t begin until January, our television watching is greatly curtailed. So, for fun, we tuned into “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?” Because frankly, we were curious.

The show was actually better than I expected. And I’m a huge Jeff Foxworthy fan. I have actually peed while watching the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. And I was nowhere near a bathroom.

The first contestant was a college student who was very enthusiastic. The host boasted that he had exceptionally good SAT scores. I had high hopes for him. Those hopes were dashed, however, when he could not answer “What was the name of the first lady to the first President of the United States. The 5th Graders on the show hurriedly scribbled down their answer. I yelled at the screen, “MARTHA!” But, he remained silent. Shaking his head. Thinking hard.

Oh, for the love of all that is good and noble please say “MARTHA.” He could not. He opted for “help” from the 5th Graders. Miraculously, he left the show with $175,000. A nice haul for a college student. Who didn’t know the name of George Washington’s wife. I hope he found his way home all right.

The second contestant skipped up on stage. She was a bouncy little thing whose claim to fame was that her grandfather invented the mood ring. Which I of course proudly wore in the 70’s. Although, mine was always black.

It was either broken, or I was extremely moody.

My parents would go with door #2.

I wanted Miss Mood Ring to win the million bucks. I believed she had a fighting chance because I thought I heard Jeff Foxworthy say that she was an elementary school teacher.

Oh, she’s got it in the bag, I surmised.

The first question: “How many consonants are in the word V•O•W•E•L?” Smugly, I said to Fiddledaddy, “That is so easy, it’s 3. Give her a harder question, for crying out loud.”

Then, she did something amazing. Thinking out loud, she spelled vowel, “V•O•U•L”, and locked in her answer with confidence. “I’m going to go with 2.”

I thought Jeff Foxworthy was going to choke and drop like Marie last Monday night.

Well, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was afraid I would start throwing things at the computer screen. “This show is dead to me.” And with that I walked off in a huff. Confident in the fact that I was at least smarter than that last contestant.

And this is completely off the subject, but Fiddledaddy had an interesting observation regarding “Lost.” It seems that yet another cast member was recently arrested for driving under the influence. This is time it was one of my personal favorites, Daniel Dae Kim. “He’s gonna get killed off,” Fiddledaddy remarked. I gasped, “That’s right, every time someone gets arrested for drunk driving, they get the ax.” While thoughtfully twiddling his thumbs, Fiddledaddy conjectured, “I think they start drinking AFTER they get the bad news.”

Interesting. I hope he’s wrong. But, very interesting indeed.

I can’t wait until January.

I may as well stamp “LOSER” on my forehead. Just above the eyebrow pimple.

When you receive a nice gift for your birthday, good manners dictate that a prompt thank you note follow. At least this is what I’m trying to instill in my children. After Cailey’s birthday bash a week ago, we sat down to write the notes of gratitude for such wonderful gifts. And happily, it doubled as our handwriting practice for the day. Since Cailey can only read short vowel words at present, and her spelling is limited, we composed the notes together, I wrote them out on index cards to copy, and she wrote the actual note.

It was a good plan.

The following is what I wrote out for her to copy for the gift that her devoutly Catholic grandparents gave to her.

“Dear Nana and PopPop,

Thank you for coming to my party. And thanks for my cute shirt!

From,
Cailey”

This is what actually made it onto the thank you note:

“Dear Nana and PoPop,

Thank you for coming to my cute sh**!”

From,
Cailey

Yes, she spelled it out. I did not so that I would continue to be a family friendly blog.

No, she has never heard “that word” before in her short little life. Only because she can’t read my mind.

No, I didn’t have her correct it. I sealed it in the envelope and off it went in the mail. I told my MIL that her thank you note would be forthcoming.

I suspect I’ll be getting a phone call when her mail arrives Monday.

This will surely propel me to my rightful place as “favorite daughter-in-law.”

Rumor has it that winter is here. But you wouldn’t know it here in Armpit, Florida, as I sit here listening to the hum of the air conditioner. But, I thought I’d pull out one of my favorite cold weather crock pot recipes.

Sort of like my own personal rain dance. Without the benefit on any notable rhythm.

Crock Pot Roast
(most original name I could think of)

(I know, my creativity amazes even me)

Pot Roast, trimmed of fat, 2-3 lbs.
1 Quart Tomato Juice
1 t. Worcestershire Sauce
1/4 t. Dry Mustard
1 T. Salt
1/2 T. Black Pepper

Mix all ingredients together and pour over pot roast in crock pot. Cook on slow 8- 12 hours, covered. The sauce can be thickened with cornstarch to serve with the meat. For each 2 cups of liquid, stir 1 T. cornstarch into 1/4 C. of cold water until dissolved and no lumps remain (should look like milk). Place sauce mixture into a saucepan large enough to contain it, then stir in the dissolved cornstarch mixture. Stir constantly over medium heat until mixture bubbles and thickens. Turn down the heat and simmer a minute or two. Serve with the meat. This makes a very tender pot roast!

The meat and marinade (in the precooked stage) freezes well in a freezer bag. Just allow at least 2 inches of air space at the top of the freezer container or bag to allow for expansion during freezing.

Bon appetite.

In other bloggy news, don’t forget that Rocks In My Dryer is hosting the Fall Y’all Bloggy Giveaway starting Monday, October 29th.

Jule’s Moms for Modesty Campaign has moved here!

Have a wonderful weekend!

I’ve never had a cavity.

Which is a miracle considering what I was raised on. I come from a long line of good southern cooks. I drank my iced tea with enough sugar to ensure the spoon could stand on it’s own. All meats were deep fried in bacon fat and accompanied a side of gravy. Dessert was served after breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then, there were the columns of Oreos, life’s most perfect food.

It’s a wonder I don’t have a set of teeth that sleep in a jar at night.

My mama had good teeth. She didn’t experience a cavity until her late 30’s. And I clearly remember how she felt assaulted by the news. You may as well have told her that Tom Jones was gay. She would have taken it equally as bad.

I didn’t lose my two front teeth until the 5th grade. And my first training bra was still another year away. Salt on the wound. By high school, all my adult teeth were mercifully in, except for my two eye teeth. Every year, our family dentist advised my parents to have those poor baby teeth pulled, and to put me in braces.

Instinctively, my parents knew that my fragile teenage mental state couldn’t take it. And they were sure that I would have made their lives even more miserable than I already was. They were absolutely right.

I can admit that now.

I held onto those baby teeth until about 5 years ago. I kept feeling a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. Without the benefit of eating popcorn. I discovered, to my horror, that the adult eye tooth was finally making an appearance, fashionably late. But, the room was too crowded, so it wasn’t getting in. Not without a fight.

Enter adult orthodontia. The baby teeth had to be pulled and “chains” were attached to the stubborn adult teeth, to coax them down. Along with top and bottom braces. The whole thing was much more violent than I’m describing. I’d love to tell you that I was a trooper and endured the hardship with grace and ease for the two long years that it took.

But that would be a big fat lie.

AND I ate popcorn and chewed gum when I had braces. Because I’m a REBEL.

But, with all that behind me, I went for my teeth cleaning this week. The annual Scraping Of The Plaque. Which really isn’t all that bad. I mean, I’ve never endured the pain of drilling for a cavity, or a root canal. So, I shouldn’t complain.

But I do.

At one point during the cleaning, the technician dropped the suction tool on the ground. “Five second rule” I cheerfully chirped. She doesn’t have kids. She didn’t get my humor. She had to stop and sterilize herself and the tool all over again. If I had been a technician with my first patient, I would have boiled everything for two minutes. By the second patient, I would have rinsed it off. But by the third, I would have just shook the hair off and stuck it back in my patient’s mouth.

Maybe that’s why I’m a mother. And not a dental technician.

The actual dentist came into to view my x-rays and look inside my mouth. Thusly ensuring I was getting my moneys worth out of this visit. With a smile, I was told, “Wow, for someone your age, you have a really great set of teeth!”

I force a broad smile, “Why thank you.”

That was so unnecessary.

A root canal would have been less hurtful.

To ease my pain, I went to Dunkin’ Donuts afterwards.

Oh RELAX, I didn’t do it. I just got coffee.

But, I thought about it. And the thought made my smile genuine.