An Open Letter
March 2nd, 2007 by FiddledeedeeIn light of todays sad events (see previous post), my sweet and dear friend, Laurel Wreath, sensing my intense need, sent me the following letter in an e-mail. She hoped I wouldn’t be offended. I replied, “Are you kidding, I wished I’d written it.” And clearly, I am in no state to be writing my own material at this present time. It is with her blessing that I post the following:
AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER BRAND MANAGER AT PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for
over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core ™ or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic.I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you
ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t.
Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As
I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now,
my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what
my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,
you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits
from Aunt Flo.Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
capri pants.Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last
month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,
I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy
Period.”Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does
any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re
some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in
your house just so you don’t march down to the local
Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s
actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or
“Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just
picking on us?Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending BS.
And that’s a promise I will keep - Always.Best Regards,
Wendi Aarons
Posted in Snippets |
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Amen, Wendi!
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Well you know I love it =)) (((hugs)))
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:31 pm
That was almost funny enough to make me put the hammer down.
Thanks for sharing, it’s classic.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Well MY evil twin is visiting me this week–that would be why all the men-folk are hiding downstairs seeking relief with electronic entertainment. (Shhhhhhhh don’t bother Mommy right now.)
I’ve gone through garlic stuffed olives, cake (no left over frosting–it was pink tonight) and mini-Reeses cups. Hmmm…wonder what’s in MY garbage?? After that I am going to see if I find anything inspirational on my Always wrappers.
I can’t have beverages when I read your blog–I laugh too hard. Feel better.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:37 pm
YOU ARE NOT RIGHT!!!!!!!!! Seriously. I laughed so hard reading this out loud to my husband, I just woke up my kids! FUNNY!!!!
March 2nd, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Just peed my pants a little.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:25 pm
Let me tell you, the first time I saw that written on one of my pads I about fell off of…. well anyway, I have wondered ever since about who would be so moronic to have come up with a phrase like that. “Have a Happy Period”? Once enough women read that and figure it out then the idiot can “Have a Happy Bankruptcy” as far as I am concerned.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:50 pm
That has got to be the BEST written letter I have read in a long time. Wow!
March 3rd, 2007 at 12:13 am
Oh. My. Word. That had me laughing so hard, I almost needed a different P&G product! Thanks for sharing this. I know I will be passing this one on!
March 3rd, 2007 at 1:05 am
I laughed my butt off at this.
Thanks for the giggles!
March 3rd, 2007 at 1:53 am
This is HILARIOUS because I to bought the brand and saw the wrapper, and laughed because I couldn’t believe they would say “Have a Happy Period!” It’s an oxymoron. No one likes bleeding…for any reason…ever…very strange marketing.
March 3rd, 2007 at 2:38 am
Oh.My.Mercy!!! I haven’t read anything that FUNNY in a while! I’m so glad I found your blog! It’s 3:30 am, got up to take something for my headache. I am trying to stifle my laughter in order to not wake up the family (or the neighbors). Do the wrappers really say that?! OBVIOUSLY the female gender was not consulted on that bit of foolishness. Thanks to you and Laurel Wreath for that one-HILARIOUS!!!!
March 3rd, 2007 at 8:04 am
I have some serious PMS, but dang that lifted the spirits. Thanks. LOL.
March 3rd, 2007 at 10:12 am
Amen. That was perfectly written.
My fav was “just so you don’t march down to the local
Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.”
Ahhhh….lol.
Thank you Miss Wendy, …what an advocate for women and their menstrual moments.
March 3rd, 2007 at 10:25 am
I laughed so hard I snorted.
March 3rd, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Awesome letter! I never use Always, but if I did, that saying would tick me off!
I’m so sending people your way to this post and your Perfect Gift post!
March 3rd, 2007 at 3:29 pm
Bwahahahaahahahahaha. My girlies are wondering what is so funny.
March 3rd, 2007 at 3:45 pm
“homicidal maniacs in capri pants.”
If THAT’s not a name for a fun, new group blog for moms, I don’t know what is. LOL
March 3rd, 2007 at 5:21 pm
LOL! If Midol was adhered to the plastic tab, he would have had a bonanza. Are there no women in the company? I wonder if the brain child behind that promotion is collecting unemployment!
March 3rd, 2007 at 7:05 pm
that was hilarious!!!! i love it. i use always and i’ve never noticed the writing.
March 3rd, 2007 at 7:53 pm
You know, when I first saw that message on the wrapper… I invisioned myself happily running amuck “toilet papering” his immaculate front yard with lovely, little maxi pads…
March 3rd, 2007 at 11:00 pm
RFLOL…”“Put Down the Hammer”….oh MERCY! Wiping my eyes…
March 4th, 2007 at 1:06 am
OMG! I haven’t laughed this hard in so long! I don’t know what’s funnier, the post, or all the comments.
And that, my friends, is why I use Stayfree!
March 4th, 2007 at 11:48 am
I, myself, always have a happy period! I do so enjoy starting in the middle of the night when I least expect it, and then come the cramps~with each one I smile that much more and say, “Bring it on!”. And I especially enjoy changing about every hour and a half and knowing that I am keeping this company in business single handedly! I look forward to Mrs. Noah (the flood) coming every 28 days. Life couldn’t get any better unless I could have my happy period every single day! Only in my dreams!!
March 4th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
The first time I saw that, I took the wrapper out of the trash and showed it to my WHOLE FAMILY, I was so mad. Yes, including my mother and father in law. I almost wrote THAT letter, although I could have never done that great of a job. Sooooo funny.
March 4th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Please tell me she ACTUALLY sent the letter! I want to hear what he had to say in reply too. I shrieked with laughter. Brilliant.
March 4th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
That was great! LOL Be sure to post if you get a response from Always.
I tell ya, I love the products I use, partly because they’re created by women who have used them! I mean really, what does a man know about menstruation (or birth for that matter)?
March 4th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
ROTFL!! Good one - gonna send that one around! Just dropping on by for the Blog Party! Thanks for a wonderful site, I enjoy your blog daily!
March 4th, 2007 at 10:43 pm
That may be one of the most hilarious things I have EVER read! Thank you for sharing!
March 5th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
I have a friend who works for Proctor and Gamble and has a shirt that says, “Have a Happy Period. . .Always” No lie. I stumbled upon this and sent it to her. So hysterically funny–I loved the capri pants. . .but what got me what putting something pertinent on the adhesive strip.
March 5th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
I am laughing so hard my husband just came in to see if I was laughing or crying! LOVE IT!
March 6th, 2007 at 10:33 am
What I hate is that, for me, PMS and pregnancy symptoms are almost identical. So, throw in the am I or aren’t I roller coaster that precedes the hammer wielding, and you’ve got one dangerous mama over here right now.
March 6th, 2007 at 11:28 am
That is hilarious!! I love Always pads though, only because I’ve never found a pad that delivered better… um… protection… and I can’t help finding the slogan “Have a happy period” so snarky and it’s irony cracks me up! It’s so in your face - like “Dammit, I’m happy! Seee?! *smiiile* “
March 6th, 2007 at 11:29 am
P.S.
There is no one who works for P&G named James Thatcher…
March 9th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
That is just about the funniest thing I have ever read! I could agree more with Weny. i would love to see the response from Always.
March 10th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Laughing my head off at this! Thank you so much. If all your posts are even half this funny, then you are blogrolled, effective immediately. Laughter is good medicine, I have heard. Thanks again
March 10th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
Hilarious! I am well beyond the days of periods, but I remember them well (sadly). I would not have been receptive to that message at all.
March 12th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
I am so bookmarking this page.
And I SO hope you sent that letter! No doubt, it will take a place of honor at the Always headquarters.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
So funny!!! Aint’ it great to connect to other women regarding one of our least “happy” things about being a woman! And now forgive me- I’d write more of a message, but I have to “waddle” to the bathroom to change out a happy pad and two super happy tampons I have in me to help me through this “happy” time! I’m telling you, my happy ran out about 6 tampons ago!