The Perfect Gift
January 29th, 2007 by FiddledeedeeWith Valentines Day fast approaching, I think I’ve found the solution to every husband’s dilemma regarding what to get for the little woman. A Pocket Taser Stun Gun. It’s the perfect gift. In this day and age, we can never be too careful. So, girls, you might want to pass this tidbit along to your husbands. I know I will.
My friend Don, always looking for something special for his wife, gave me the idea, and even found the following testimonial for this most excellent gift idea.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
“Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like …..!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.”
Posted in My Life as I See It |
January 29th, 2007 at 12:41 am
Oh my word, that is just too funny!!!! I laughed so hard! And I could see it coming… Who knew a couple triple A batteries could do that!?
January 29th, 2007 at 6:30 am
Thanks! I needed a good cackle this morning- Nothing says love like a tasser, eh?
January 29th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I’m delighted to see that you’ve put a button up for my blog–thanks! Also, it was fun to read this intense and informative (and shockingly funny) post on the same day that I happened to write about defending against an attacker. My son has come up with a defense tactic that very well may be the *complete and total opposite* of a taser. No batteries required for my son’s suggestion, but upper-body strength and a lot of buttons would increase its potential effectiveness.
I’m glad you got such a neat nomination, too–your personal comments made it all the more important. Congratulations!
January 29th, 2007 at 8:33 am
{….wheezing….} CRACK ME UP!!!! That was just want I needed to jump-start my Monday. Thanks!
January 29th, 2007 at 9:03 am
That is too funny! That is a valentine’s gift that is sure to “shock” me! Blessings to you!
January 29th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Wowzer! Would not have thought of that gift for myself.
January 29th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Thank you (AGAIN) for the laughs I so desperately need! This is toooooo funny!
Where can I get one? Just kidding….well, not really….yeah, I am..no, well, we’ll talk later!
January 29th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Help! I can’t stop laughing!
Don’t get me one, I have an ex-husband who still sports a lump on his noggin 6 years later to prove I’ve got great aim! Oh, my goodness that was too funny. Actually, yes get me one, on second thought. *evil grins*
January 29th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Ladies,
I have a confession. My husband, while finding this post extremely humorous, objected to my use of the word “testicles” on my blog. We had a rather fun animated conversation about it, and I published the post anyway. I figured that if I can discuss my sore bleeding nipples from breastfeeding, boogers, puke, poop, and peepee, then I can openly mention the word “testicles”.
However, if you’re offended, I offer my apologies. My intention is NEVER to offend, but to offer a little levity. And, if you’re offended, you can let me know that as well. Then my husband will be vindicated.
Carry on.
January 29th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
DeeDee, I learn many things from you, but I have also learned to make sure I go to the potty before I read your posts!! I think it may just be a sin to laugh as much as I do when I stop by here each day ;o)
When you have time you need to check out my post from Saturday! It’s just for you! Enjoy!
January 29th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Glad you enjoyed it and a huge THANK YOU for the tip with the closet door ;o) And while I’m at it how about behind the cabinet doors, above the trash cans, and in the medicine closet because we know that men never put away anything so he’ll never see them….much happiness and joy!
Now where is the sticky tac?
January 29th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Oh shoot! That made my evening,… thanks to those who dare to experiment…
Reminds me of the guy testing the abilities of the Dog shock collar on America’s Funniest Home videos… whew, ..now that’s a reality show show I’d watch again and again…
January 29th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Why is it you can get me laughing so hard on times I am so weary. Thank you for this “pick me up” And what is wrong with “testicles” that is the medical term, would he rather you say “balls”?? =-))
January 29th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Ok just made hubby read this one, and he was laughing hysterically.
January 29th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Oh My!! My husband and I are CRACKING UP!! This is so funny!!!
I want so badly to link to this post on my blog, but I DON”T KNOW HOW!!! I do know how to link to your blog, but not a specific post.
January 29th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
I laughed so hard when I first read this that I had to step away and come back later to post. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard!
January 29th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Thank you. Thank you! I’ve been looking all day for my laughter and here I found it.
January 30th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
I’ve seen that b4 & immediately sent it to a friend in CA & said “why does your husband immediately come to mind when I read this?” !!! I think we all know someone comes to mind when we read this. Kathy
January 30th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
I can’t even read it I’m laughing so hard! LOL Oh the tears! Thanks so much! I dont’ need a tazer, the review is plenty!!!!! That has to have been one of the best posts I’ve ever read on anyone’s site, even AM’s!
There’s gotta be some kind of reward for the blog that makes you laugh till you pee yourself and make everyone around you laugh, too!
February 1st, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Lisa sent me over to read that was just too funny.
February 2nd, 2007 at 2:18 pm
This story had tears coming to my eyes! Thanks for the laughs!
February 7th, 2007 at 9:54 am
OMG! If I hadn’t been so faithful about my kegels lately, I’m quite sure I would have peed myself laughing at this one.
LOL
February 15th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
BBBWWWWHHHHHAAAAA! This is hilarious!!! Thanks for the roll on the floor next to my desk laughing.
March 5th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I just laughed until I cried. Thanks!